SPIKE: I've just had a sudden epiphany and realized what an albatross you are,
and what an idiot I am for spending the past several years mooning over you. I've
pegged you as the sole cause of my frustration and suicidal nature. I've finally
realized that no onna, no matter how beautiful she is or how wonderfully she sings,
is worth this much trouble, let alone my life.
JULIA: Huh?
SPIKE: Besides, I refuse to give into this tired-ass Romeo and Juliet cliche
that the director is setting up. And I'm tired of perpetuating this old 'it's
always about a girl' myth that is essentially the entire basis of Vicious' and
my feud. Where's the imagination in that?
JULIA: But...don't you love me?
SPIKE: Perhaps I did, once. But, what is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt
me, no more.
JULIA: ...the hell?
SPIKE: Sorry. Goodnight, Julia.
(SPIKE whips out his Jericho just as a dark-clad figure comes staggering through
the rain towards them)
VICIOUS: (out of breath) Spike! Wait!
SPIKE: Vicious? What the hell?
VICIOUS: Spike, I...I've just had a sudden epiphany and realized that I shouldn't
be angry at you. You were just a dumb-ass kid who couldn't resist her feminine
wiles. And before that, you were my best friend. I've finally realized that no
onna is worth throwing away a friendship nurtured in organized crime for.
SPIKE: Wow. Really?
VICIOUS: Yes. I've come to realize that I should have blamed Julia all along.
Not only did she betray my trust by deciding to boff my best friend, but she made
the critical mistake of forgetting one simple credo of the Red Dragon: nobody
fucks around with Vicious. Anyway, since I no longer wish to kill you, I'd
like to make amends. Will you forgive me, Spike?
SPIKE: Yes! Forgive me, Vicious! I'm sorry I screwed your woman! The sex
was subpar at best, if it makes you feel any better.
VICIOUS: Some.
SPIKE: Aw...I'd hug you, if it weren't for fear of spurring on the legions of
yaoi doujin artists. Oh, what the hell...
(SPIKE and VICIOUS fling their arms around each other)
VICIOUS: (sobbing) I love you, Spike!
SPIKE: (sobbing) I love you, Vicious!
VICIOUS: Let's never fight again!
SPIKE: Okay!
VICIOUS: Let's disband the Red Dragon and open a House of Pancakes!
SPIKE: Sounds good to me...partner!
(SPIKE and VICIOUS pause in grinning idiotically at each other in order to look
around the cemetery, only to realize that JULIA is running away from them)
SPIKE: Shit! She's getting away and I haven't killed her yet!
VICIOUS: Shall we kill her together?
SPIKE: (sniff) I've missed you, old buddy.
(SPIKE and VICIOUS chase down JULIA with little effort. SPIKE pins her arms behind
her back as VICIOUS lectures)
VICIOUS: My dear, you have fulfilled your duty to the plot as the requisite femme
fatale. Now you must be disposed of.
JULIA: (struggling) But--but I'm not the femme fatale, Faye is! That's what everyone
says! According to the DVD case, I'm just the 'mysterious phantasm' from Spike's
past!
VICIOUS: I'm afraid not. You see, film noir dictates that the femme fatale often
serves two purposes: one, to get the protagonist to fall in love with her; and
two, to lead him to his inevitable doom. But now that Spike and I are buddies
again, you won't have a chance to do the latter. Goodnight, Julia.
(VICIOUS whips out his katana and proceeds to skewer JULIA like a shish-kebab)
VICIOUS: Your turn...old buddy.
(SPIKE empties several rounds of ammo into JULIA's abdomen, who, after the last
bullet, falls facedown in a pool of her own blood)
SPIKE: Hey, at least we're already in a cemetery!
(VICIOUS and SPIKE laugh uproariously)
VICIOUS: (wiping away tear) Oh, I've missed this, Spike. How about catching up
over a couple of Frosty Chocolate Milkshakes?
SPIKE: I'd love to, but...in order for this Mega-Happy Ending to be complete,
I've got to find Faye and declare my previously nonexistent but eternally undying
love for her. Take a rain check, though.
(At that moment, a barely audible voice can be heard shouting SPIKE's name)
FAYE: Spike! Spike!
SPIKE: Faye!
(Slo-mo shot of FAYE and SPIKE running toward each other with open arms and blissful
expressions)
FAYE: (out of breath) Spike! Since you're too wrapped up in that stupid onna Julia
to read between the lines, I have no choice but to tell you outright! And I know
this kills the nice little dynamic of sexual tension we had going all series,
but I can't hide it anymore! I love you, Spike!
SPIKE: Faye! Since my characterization has changed so drastically in the past
five minutes, and I've brutally murdered the woman I once professed made me 'alive',
I have absolutely no doubts that I feel the same way about you! I love you, Faye!
(FAYE and SPIKE share a long, drawn-out, tongue-wrangling kiss, during which the
rain miraculously stops, the sun comes out, and a rainbow appears. At last, they
pull apart, staring oddly at each other.)
FAYE: What's this? I...I don't feel lost anymore! Or horribly alone in the universe!
And I've lost my ability to make snide remarks! I feel so...so strange!
SPIKE: And I...no longer want to kill myself! Or anybody else who gets in my way!
And I have no sardonic comebacks left in me! I'm--I'm happy! I'm actually happy!
In fact I...I feel a song coming on!
<-----BAZ LUHRMANN MUSICAL NUMBER BEGINS HERE----->
FAYE: Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...suddenly it moves with such
a perfect grace!
SPIKE: Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste...
FAYE: It all revolves around you...
(FAYE and SPIKE join hands, press their cheeks together, and sing with gusto)
FAYE & SPIKE: And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide...sing
out this song and I'll be there by your side! Storm clouds may gather, and stars
may collide...
SPIKE: But I love you...
FAYE: I love you...
SPIKE & FAYE: Until the end of time!
(While FAYE and SPIKE are singing, the ENTIRE SERIES CAST has been quietly assembling
in the background. JET, ED, and EIN join VICIOUS nearby. Friends and acquaintances
of the crew arrive next, followed by the wacky supporting players, and last, all
the show's previously deceased characters. Except for JULIA, of course. Oblivious
to their onlookers, FAYE and SPIKE finish the song)
SPIKE & FAYE: I will love you, until my dyyyying day!
(The CAST begins applauding. TONGPU and SAMURAI ANDY begin weeping copiously into their
handkerchiefs)
<-----BAZ LUHRMANN MUSICAL NUMBER ENDS HERE----->
FAYE: Hey, gaujo?
SPIKE: Yeah, Romani?
FAYE: We've been standing on Julia's corpse this whole time!
(SPIKE, FAYE and the ENTIRE CAST laugh uproariously)
SPIKE: So, what happens now that the last thread of sexual tension between the
male and female protagonist is broken?
(FAYE and SPIKE stare at each other)
FAYE: Wild monkey sex?
SPIKE: Let's go.
(SPIKE and FAYE run off in search of the nearest Motel 6)
ED: (sing-song) Monkeys, monkeys! Wild monkeys!
EIN: (barks)
JET: (shaking his head) Those crazy kids!
(Roll credits)
<-----SCRIPT ENDS HERE----->
Some of the inspiration for this drug trip belongs to Big
Big Truck's Thumbnail Theater and Television
Without Pity. "Come What May" belongs to David Baerwald and Baz
Luhrmann; "What Is Love?" belongs to Haddaway. And yes, it is sad that
I know this.
03-18-03: When I wrote this last year for what was to be a full-fledged Bebop
parody site (shortly before my hard drive crashed and sat dormant for over six
months), I didn't think anyone would stumble across it, much less it become messageboard
fodder. Which was why I didn't bother to put my name on it. At any rate, thanks for reading my idealistic vision of
RFB2 (that is, aside from the one where Spike pumps Julia full of lead as "Nights
in White Satin" swells to crescendo...)
